A Brain Surgeon and a Porn Star walk into a bar….(Part 1)

No, this is not a set up for a joke.

It’s my actual dating life.

And no, this wasn’t an episode of Big Love, so I didn’t actually go on a date with two men at once, just dated them back to back (Yes, I’m sure, there’s another joke in there somewhere).

After a two & a half year hiatus (while I was in relationship mode), connecting with this dynamic duo made it seem like the dating Apps were throwing me a welcome back rager. And if there were goody bags at this party, they’d be filled with…uh…well…

Scalpels and butt plugs? (Awesome band name btw!)

For those of you who’ve entered into the murky, trecherous waters of online dating apps, you know it can be equal parts overwhelming and underwhelming. Swiping through profiles sort of feels like you’re clinging onto a little (dating) dinghy, bobbing along in a vast ocean of profiles.

You’re searching for some sort of life raft – that one swipe that will signal that you’re traveling in the right direction, all the way to the blissful shores of LOVE ISLAND. But with no map in sight, it can be quite the endless swipe-fest.

After taking (not nearly enough) time after a painful breakup, I was ready to haul wind to Love Island in the hopes of finding my forever pina colada partner.

Here was my (flawed AF) thought process – if I’m going to parade myself back out on the virtual meat market of dating apps, I’m only going to swipe on EXTRAORDINARY people.

So enter “Mr. Extradinary.”

His profile: “Hi, I’m a pediatric brain surgeon who travels to third world countries to operate on underprivileged children for free. I’ve been featured on 20/20 and medical publications around the world for saving thousands of children from death. No biggie really.”

Well, hello there…

So, I swipe on Mr. Brain Surgeon extraordinaire. We match up right away. Of course that nagging, cynical alter ego of mine, (the categorically insane and untamed Comical Cupid) sounds off mad alarms in my brain:

“You really think this ‘exceptional human’ cant get a date in real life? Really? A brain surgeon on the Apps? You in (dating) danger girl! Run!”

But of course, I gave my inner CC the finger and carried on. (Have ya’ll ever tried flipping yourselves off btw? It’s not kind to the wrist!). I was on a mission to meet my extraordinary human in a sea of dating app duds.

So, Date #1 goes splendidly. Mr. B.S. (that name will actually be more fitting from this point on) seems to be everything I hoped for – charming, gentlemanly, well-read, cultured, a good conversationalist, and genuinely interested in me as a person.

So now I’m thinking: Ahoy matey! Love island is near! I’ll be gliding in on me heart shaped canoe, with me extraordinary dude! We’ll crack each other’s coconuts, me hearty forever! (Please tell me you read the whole thing in pirate voice).

Well, good thing I just let things flow naturally and didn’t put any expectations on it! Right?

(If this was a sitcom, you’d be hearing that forced, awkard laugh track right now, thanks to this primo grade sarcasm. Ha.)

I really wish a boat could make a screeching noise, because, of course, my intuition was spot on. The next date brought this Love Island expedition to an abrupt halt.

Blimey!

Date #2 was a disastrous tsunami of douche-baggery. Mr. B.S. was suddenly all about letting his “I’m old, even for AARP” crisis come out in all its glory. Picking up your senior matinee movie tix and Denny’s breakfast must be extra cool when you do it in a Ferrari and leather pants.

For your reading pleasure, here are actual quotes/conversations from Mr. B.S on Date 2:

Him: “Btw, I banged Farrah Fawcett.”

Me: “Oh, ok. Was it when she was on Charlie’s Angels?”

Him: “No, she was in her 50s, shortly before she passed.

”Me internally: That doesn’t really count. And, poor Farrah. RIP.

Him: *Proceeds to show me pics of all the “hot girls” he’s dated.*

Him: “Ugh, I’m so tired of all Newport Beach girls looking the same. I mean, they’re all super hot blondes, but I need some variety. That’s why I’m glad I swiped on you.”

Me: “Wow, you’re such a risk-swiper.”

Him: “Do you like sports?

Me: “No, not at all.”

Him: *Proceeds to talk about sports for 4 hours*

Honorable mentions:

*showing off his Star Wars socks and telling me about his matching boxers to “get me hot.”

*bragging about his connections, wealth and answering a phone call with the phrase: “Yo wassup, mad dawg?”

*discussing his penchant for booty and then creepily sharing that his 24 year old daughter “also has a booty.”

*casually mentioning that his ex-wife now has a meth addiction. (Well, gee, I wonder why?)

So, it was painfully obvious Mr. B.S. wasn’t into me in any way, shape or form. I was just a decorative piece to add to his collection of “Newport Blondes” (menthol not included).

So imagine that- my inner Comical Cupid was right ALL ALONG and called this shit show out PRE-SWIPE!

CC is like my wise beyond existence “dating Yoda”.
“And, That is why you fail.”

Yes Yoda Cupid, it is

Comical Cupid Dating Lesson:

There’s a small caveat that I conveniently neglected to mention in this post.

Even after I parachuted right back into the dating app scene, I was no where near healed from my past relationship. I still had strong feelings for my Ex, and this subconsciously influenced not only my expectations, but also my intentions for the suitors I was picking.

So Mr. B.S. wasn’t really my “life raft” to find a genuine connection to someone. I deluded myself into believing that by meeting someone extraordinary, I could somehow “cheat the system,” and expedite my healing post-breakup.

Yes, pretty dingy of me, I know. (epic call-back though, right?).

There’s no way to “cheat your healing” in life. You need to put the time and the work in. Otherwise, it will ultimately just backfire and blow up in your face. The pain of lost love runs deep..so deep..so deep put her…

But, I digress. My experience with Mr. B.S. taught me several obvious “dating don’ts” I had long forgotten during my time away from the Apps: (1) Never place high expectations, even after a great first date; (2) Continue working on yourself, and your healing, as you meet new people along the journey and 3) If someone brags about rocking Luke Skywalker boxers, you have the right to ask about the size of their light saber.

So, may the force be with me on the next dating adventure…

…Stay tuned for Part 2: From B.S to Butt Plug: My date with a Porn Star.

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