Goodwill Armani

Meet Trevor.

So I decided to try a date with a “suit type.” While I tend to prefer a more rugged dude over manscaped pretty boys, I wanted to explore dating a well-groomed man in the business world. “Let me see if their successful attributes translate into equal success in the dating world” I said. So I found Mr. Successful…or so I thought.

Trevor was a handsome guy who took care of his appearance. He really played up his numerous business ventures during our pre-date chats. He bragged about dominating the corporate world, buying a hedge fund, and starting a life coaching business on the side …blah blah. I guess that’s impressive. Ok I’ll admit, I was pretty intrigued by all this supposed “wealth and success.” So I expected Trevor to show up for our happy hour date in a suit. Sure enough, he did not disappoint.

Well actually Trevor DID disappoint, because the suit didn’t exactly look custom fitted. I mean it was gut-busting, where’s the flood? type of shenanigans. He was 6’2” with a strong build, looking like he stole something out of Tom Cruise’s closet. It still looked like a really expensive suit. I wondered, does Armani have a collection for pre-teen boys?  Did he grab the suit out of his little brother’s closet by mistake?

As big of a turn off as it was (yes clothes can make or break attraction!) I tried to ignore the ill-fitting attire and we commenced with the date. Little did I know his busted suit was going to be the least of my problems.

Without further ado…here is Goodwill Armani bringing some “date from hell” A-game!

Him: How was your last relationship?

Me: It was over a year ago. We were together a long time. We just grew apart.

Him: Oh. Did your arms get fat?

Me: Uhhh…what?! Why are you asking me that?

Him: Oh no reason. You are a beautiful girl and all, but I can just easily picture you having fat arms.

Me: Umm okay.

So this has literally turned into the worst, most awkward date convo of all time.  In all my dating history, I don’t think I’ve been asked if any of my body parts, limbs, or extremities got fat in my last relationship. 

Him: I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just my style I tend say things on my mind. It works for me. I’m a tiger in the business world. So anyway, what looks good on the menu? Do you like nachos?

Let’s just say this happy hour date ran out of happy real fast. 

And then Mr. Success lets me in on why the button on his suit is about to pop off and ricochet straight into my eye. 

Him: Well I do have to let you know, I’ve had something on my mind all through this date.

My thought bubble: “Oh god here we go. Is he going to ask me if my vaginal area is prone to getting chubby now? Is this guy a total freak?”

Him: My car overheated on the way over here and I’m trying to figure out if I can get home.

Boom..mystery of the suit is solved. Wannabe Christian Grey is really broke as a joke. Trevor’s “success” only exists in the fantasy world of Ok Cupid. That suit must have been a little gem that he found popping tags at the thrift shop.  Just 4 sizes too small…

Me: Um, Do you need to call Triple A?

Him: No, but if you can just help me pour some coolant in, that would be great.

And then the check comes and I get the feeling this is going to be good. I watch him, in what seems like slow motion, carefully pull out cash from his wallet…he sets down $20 for a $45 dollar tab.

I am sitting there gazing at the $20 probably for a solid minute, wondering how I got suckered into this happy hour from hell…and swearing off online dating for good.

He must have read my body language.

He says: Oh forgive me. I forgot the tip let me take care of it.

He then proceeds to take 2 crumpled up dollars out of his pocket.

Now I’m pissed and I speak up.

Me: Oh no, I’m sorry. That’s not a sufficient tip. The service was excellent. So don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.

He shrugs his shoulders and takes back the 2 bucks.

5 minutes later, I’m in a parking lot in 90 degree heat, pouring coolant into a broke down ‘87 Camaro, in an LBD and heels…wondering if I’m just meant to die alone.

Comical Cupid Dating Lesson: Men who make a big “to do” about advertising their success typically aren’t anywhere near the big leagues. Do your research and ask the right questions before the date to avoid becoming someone’s makeshift mechanic in a little black dress. It’s not a good look. And the cash flow issues were the least of this dude’s problems. For all the guys out there- Never ask ladies if any of their body parts get fat. Unless you’re complimenting a nice fat bubble butt. And a girl says “I really like when guys compliment my fat bubble butt.” Then it’s okay.

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