This was a Match.com date. Most of my dates typically involve an alcoholic beverage or two. But this was a seemingly innocent afternoon rendezvous at a coffee shop. (How 90’s of us! The Friends cast would be proud).
Corey was decent looking. Less attractive than his pics, but that’s no shocker for online dating. While we waited for the lattes we ordered, we chatted it up. Corey was a cop. He didn’t come off as the brightest bulb in the police cruiser. But then he really shook things up after we got our drinks, sat down and got comfy.
Him: Well I just want to be honest and tell you…I don’t believe in one night stands.”
“Yeah sure buddy” -Always my first thought bubble when someone makes a strong belief statement out of the blue. In most cases, Translation= my thoughts are actually the direct opposite of what is coming out of my mouth.
I was expecting a cheesy line: “I’m just a nice guy out there trying to find a nice girl”. But Corey the Cop definitely threw me for a loop.
Him: I just feel like if you do it once, you have to keep doing it.
(Ugh wtf? I needed a moment to process this.)
Me: Doing what exactly?
Him: Just hooking up.
Me: Ok so you’re saying you want to be committed, but to the sex alone? Not the person?
Him: Well I wouldn’t really word it that way, but yeah I mean, why stop something once you start it?
Me: Ok. So you don’t believe in a one night stand, but you want, I guess we should call it the promise of a “long-term fuck buddy.” Am I getting this right?
Him: Ummm. (He sighs and dips his head back…grabs onto his latte. I am envisioning his thought bubble saying: ‘Oh crap, what do I say now.’)
He continues: Yeah I guess so. Because I’m not really looking for a relationship at all. (Takes a long sip of his Latte)
So of course I go with it. Mostly because I love pressing in on people’s thoughts/opinions to see if they are actually intelligent enough to defend them.
I can tell he feels the heat a little and just expected me to flip my hair and say “Yeah for sure I am totally feeling you! Like if you take a bite of a chocolate bar, like why stop eating it right? Just keep eating it!”
Me: Ok. So how long are we talking here as far as a “hook up commitment”?
Him: Ugh I don’t know. A long time.
Him: Um I dunno…once or twice a week.
Me: But what if it’s bad from the start, like really bad, then what?
Him: I don’t believe in that. You should keep going. Just don’t give up until it’s good.
Me: Oh wow I admire your commitment. You take your um, fuck buddy duties very seriously. True dedication right there.
Him: (nervous laugh) Ugh, thanks I guess. I’m just a go getter like that.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Wow, I’m a lucky girl.
Him: (Looks excited) So what do you say?! You in?! I’d really appreciate an answer. I want you to give me your word that you’ll stick around for this.
Can you believe this dude? Once he has sex with you, he is going to make sure it keeps going. He’s going to schedule you in on his calendar, put alerts on his phone, take time off from work, all to make sure he keeps banging you. Because once he starts he NEEDS to keep that shit going.
It’s like the one night stand on life support. You can NOT pull the plug! It’s the dick that will never disappear. That’s all you get though. You get a flat tire? Tough shit that’s boyfriend stuff, he’s not helping…but that weekly sex appointment? It’s on like Donkey Kong!
So basically I’m being asked to sign a contract on the first date…for long-term, frequent, casual sex. I’m sure you can already predict how this date ended.
But what if I had actually said…Yes….
Fast forward to 2021: He’s still on top of it. He’s showing up at my house 15 minutes early with a box of condoms, lube, ready to bone because this is one committed mother fucker. And of course I am dreading ever going to Starbucks on that fateful day. He has a referee jersey on, blowing a whistle, rolling up on me at home in my sweatpants. He says: “Ok its game time! It’s our weekly sex date. I feel like you’re fading out on me, come on stop avoiding me I need you in this! Don’t give up on me we HAVE to keep going. Remember the coffee shop 3 years ago? I asked if you were in…I need to see some enthusiasm!! I told you we’d be doing this for a long time!!”
And they say guys nowadays are scared of commitment…
Comical Cupid Dating Lesson: I thought going on a “pay site” would increase the odds of meeting quality men. But I quickly realized that is not the case. The only filter you get with a pay site is confirmation the guy has a credit card. That is really all you get. There are just as many weirdos with an American Express as there are on Plenty of Fish and other freebie places. Well… now it’s off to greener pastures. Does E-Harmony touch on “sex contracts” in their 40 page personality profile?