Many Wives…Many Holes

Meet Zack.

I guess I was feeling the urge to tap into my spiritual side, because I responded to a message from a “guru” type on OK Cupid.

Zack was a super attractive guy in his pictures, especially for an earthy, crunchy-granola loving, hipster type. As a self-proclaimed “Entrepreneur/Life Couch,” he seemed all about personal development and tapping into one’s Zen. I must’ve been entering an existential crisis phase in my life, because his cheesy, pretentious message grabbed my attention right away: “Let me introduce you to a side of yourself you’ve never seen.”

Oooooooohhhh! Deep stuff right?! How could I not feel a mystical pull to this supreme, spiritual being flaunting shirtless hiking pics on a dating site?

So of course, in our pre-date chats, Zack brought his A-game with all the enlightened conversation. Getting to know my “essence” prior to seeing my physical form was apparently Zack’s primary mission. Yeah, because I’m sure my “essence” was radiating through my Cancun beach pics on my OKC profile. Zack must be in THAT high of a spiritual plane that he couldn’t help but notice my “soul” spilling out of my bikini top. And for all you judgy-judgersons out there…they are just “fitness” pics…okay! (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it).

So Zack plans our first date: “How does indoor miniature golf sound? I think it will be a great activity to continue developing our connection.” Of course, my girly side is super stoked at the fluttery cuteness of this date proposal. This shows me that Zack seemingly has a fun side, in addition to all the serious philosophical talk we’d been immersed in thus far.

My mind starts getting excited – “Have I finally formed a genuine connection with someone after months of useless dating? Have I finally met “The One?!” (Wow I am really bringing the cheese here! I need to stop before the Titanic theme song starts playing in my head. Ew, ok now back to the funny).

So Zack and I meet up for our super adorable miniature golf date, and in true Vegas fashion it’s the “KISS themed” one near the strip! (For all of you millennial folk, KISS = a band). It’s my first experience at a themed mini golf establishment, and it feels like I’ve literally stepped into a cheesy hairband video, complete with pyrotechnics, sweet guitar riffs blasting in my ear, and enough flashing neon lights to take my brainwaves straight to seizure-town.

This should have been my first indication that something was up, right? Why would a yoga loving, Enya listening, new age type of dude pick a meet up spot that feels like the 1980’s took you on an acid trip and then threw up all over you?  But of course, I told the logic centers in my brain to “shove it” and barged right through those doors. I was a woman on a mission, to find my “enlightened sensitive man” in the midst of all of this KISS chaos.

So I finally see Zack and I’m pleasantly surprised that he actually looks like his pics. Tall, broad, fit, and a killer smile (nice teeth were even included in the package). I try to ignore the loud, overstimulating backdrop to our date and give Zack a big hug. “Come on!” he says. Let’s get started! I have your golf club ready. Let’s do it!”

So we start our mini-golf journey and do all the cutesy, flirty date stuff that goes along with it (i.e. Zack getting up behind me to help me with my “swing”, sipping beers, chatting with other couples at each hole). We are obviously physically attracted to each other so that part was vibing and made up for the fact that the conversation was a bit strained. I mean there’s only so much you can communicate while screaming over “I want to Rock and Roll all night!”…which was playing on repeat, literally, all night long.

So we’re moving from hole to hole (Incoming – combo of irony and vulgarity here!) and about half-way through the course he motions for me to come in close to whisper, er, I mean yell something into my ear.

Of course my girly brain is already predicting the cute thing he will say: “Wow this is the most fun I’ve had on a date with any girl ever! You’re amazing! Best mini-golf partner ever!”

But instead…..

Zack: (shouting) “Well I’ve been meaning to tell you, I don’t exactly live a CONVENTIONAL (he enunciates every syllable) lifestyle.”

WHACK!! He hits the golf ball into a giant, bedazzled, KISS Drum set.

Uh-ohhhhhh…It suddenly becomes painfully obvious what the ulterior motive behind this “super cute date” had been all along. We are only at the 9th hole, and he’s ready to drop a bomb on me. I still have a long way to go to make it to the grand finale hole (which is a giant replica of the Gene Simmons tongue). This was all calculated, and now, I’m officially “Date Trapped.”

Me: “Um. What do you mean exactly?”

Zack: “Well…(Whack! He swings and casually turns back to me) How do you feel about a man having many lovers? How do you feel about being such an enlightened soul that you can share me with other women, other “soul-wives” as I call them. I have three into the “lifestyle” at the moment” (he holds up 3 fingers).

Oh em Gee. I seriously have an out of body experience at this moment. I am like floating over the giant Gene Simmons tongue, and staring back at myself, holding a neon pink golf club, “talk-screaming” to a Polygamist, on yet another date from Hell. I am having a moment of deep introspection – “Why am I here? What has become of my dating life?” This is definitely not the “spiritual experience” I expected to have with Zack. Guess he really did have a gift for showing me a side of myself I’ve never seen.

So I’m looking around for an exit strategy and there is nothing in sight. But then I think to myself, Screw it! I could:

Plan A) run home, sit on my couch and enlighten my sweet tooth with a giant bowl of Ben & Jerry’s. Or: Plan B) I can try to find the entertainment value in being wooed into a polygamist lifestyle during a mini-golf date. And I already had a “bad date ice cream binge” earlier that week. Plan B was the clear winner.

So I made it all the way to the 18th “Tongue hole” (geez this post is getting raunchy…I better reel this in!). Zack tried to shout through an entire commentary on “the benefits and history of Polygamy” all the way up until we retired our golf clubs for the evening. His voice sounded pretty raspy by the end of the night.

Then, Zack slowly extends his hand out to me as we walk out to the parking lot. He has a deeply serious look on his face. He’s ready, to bring me in…to “the life.”

Zack: “So…what do you say?”

I get a hunch that I know exactly what I can say to bring this Sister Wives fiasco to a screeching halt.

Me: “Yeah I’m totally down. As long as you can also share me with other guys.”

Zack literally flinches and retracts his hand faster than a hooker who just found out her John has no cash.  He has a look of complete disgust on his face.

Zack: (shaking his head) “Wow, that is a shock to hear. I was wrong about you. Obviously NOT the type of woman I am looking for. I could NEVER be okay with that. Gross. Well take care, nice meeting you. Bye.”

Sorry Zack. Guess I make a crappy “Soul wife”. And yes, I still went home that night and had the best date ever! – with some Ben & Jerrys. Maybe they’d be down to create a new flavor inspired by my date — “Polygamist Pistachio” (I hear a lot of people in Utah like Pistachios. We can corner the market.)

Comical Cupid Dating Lesson: Despite my better judgment, I broke the cardinal rule of online dating and trapped myself into a “long-term commitment date”. And yes, a 2 hour date can feel like a LIFETIME if things end up going south (as “Mr. “Soul Wives” so perfectly demonstrated.) A quick “let’s grab a drink/coffee” in a casual setting is always the way to go for a first meeting. It allows a no pressure setting to test out the chemistry. It also provides a quick, painless getaway to pull the plug if you aren’t feeling the attraction. No matter how well you think you are vibing with someone through text/phone convos, it can never be a perfect predictor of how the in-person chemistry will play out. So ladies and dudes, never fall prey to the “I planned a creative date!” folks that will block out an entire 8 hour day to take you somewhere “cutesy special.” Be on the lookout for “Date Traps” especially with polygamist dudes disguised as spiritual guides. (Hey Ben & Jerry, if you’re reading this I’m not giving up on making Polygamist Pistachio. Let’s make it happen

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